I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
