I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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