You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
it's great music for shaving your balls
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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