We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize