Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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