Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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