I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
