its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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