True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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