if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
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