i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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