U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
