He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
