Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
