that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
