He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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