I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
