Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
