3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I think I just sharted jello shots
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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