I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Are my feet made of real feet?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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