I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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