Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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