Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
