i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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