All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
