I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
