i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
