then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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