WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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