you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
