HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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