i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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