so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
