So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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