is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
