I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
