I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
