Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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