I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
