Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
