It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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