I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
