When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
