So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The beer is more important than you right now.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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