i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
