I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
