I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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