Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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