I will die if light touches me.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
