Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
