Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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