I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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