I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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