Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
